Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Ok I know, its been almost unbearably long since my last post. Honestly, I try not to write until I feel "inspired" that sounds stupid but its true none the less. To cut to the chase it took a blast from my past to get me thinking about how much has changed and in what was I've evolved as a single girl and surviving in the jungle that is the dating world.

The blast from my past....hmm let's call him Mr. We're Just Friends. This quasi relationship took place in the insanely long time frame encompassing all Sophomore - Junior years of my college life. To be completely frank we were never "just friends", we became friends by accident somewhere along the way. To paint the picture we spent the larger part of each week hanging out, going out etc. We went on a skiing trip to Boone, NC....he came home to Atlanta and met my family for Easter one year for God sake. Every time the elephant in the room of conversation's came about in regards to defining our relationship he would inevitably respond "we're just friends". I used to get upset about that, I just couldn't wrap my head around why he has such a problem with calling me his girlfriend, so....I adopted the attitude of "whatever helps you sleep at night buddy". It was apparent to me pretty early on that he wasn't seeing anyone else, nor intending to so whatever way he wanted to define, or rather not define our relationship to get him through the day.....fine. whatever. Call it what you will, but to everyone else in the world, we're together.

At the time I felt like I was being laid back, go with the flow, non-dramatic, non-pushy Molly.  Which brings about one of the ways things....I....have changed. Its one thing to be demanding as to  where a relationship is going after a couple of weeks of knowing someone. I can see how that's pushy and a little intense. But its a whole other ball game when you've been spending an abundant amount of time with someone- months on end, and the guy in question won't ANTE Up (thanks brett), seal the deal and want to shout from the roof tops that your his. I wasn't being laid back; I was being a door mat and wasting a ton of time. Its not crazy to want to know where you stand or to walk away if you don't like where you stand. Simple as that.

When I think about the time we spent together I have mixed emotions. He was fun, witty and...well obnoxious. But obviously I put up with a lot of shit that I would never again entertain at this point in my life. Most of the shit I put up with is laughable, so here goes. My dear friend Shereen reminded me of one time in particular that sticks out in her mind that for a while had conviently escaped me. Its not one of my prouder moments. One warm spring Friday night on the Loveliest Village on the Plains (Auburn, AL :))...I went out and hit the town with my friends which is completely typical and uneventful at this point. In my drunken state I became set on the idea that I wanted to see Mr. We're Just Friends that night, and after a bunch of back and forth's I convinced him to pick me up. Approaching I found him, a friend of his and two random girls in the car - obviously on a semi double date or as close to one as he would ever admit. Really? Really....??! The oddest part about this is that I got in the car. For as much random crap that I've gone through with guys in my past...I fully understand and claim the fact that I am the common denominator.
So...we went to a party. I worked up the nerve and aggression to bitch him out and call my friends to rescue me from the embarrassment. I'm not sure how he recovered from this transgression. Surely he fed me some BS, and I replaced the rose covered glasses over my eyes. Water under the bridge right?

By the end of my Junior year he was walking across the graduation stage and receiving his diploma as I sat in the stands with his parents. While I was sad to see him go I think subconsciously I was relieved. It didn't take long after that for things to fizzle on my side  and for me to get so fed up with his antics that I stopped returning phone calls. A lot changed. He moved to Australia with one suitcase in hand; in pursuit of a dream of working his way across the continent and not falling into the societal expectations of starting a career and a life that you're locked into...forever.  I graduated and moved across the country myself. Occasionally I received calls from "unknown" or crazy coded numbers (Australian)...him trying to rebuild the bridge that he had burned between us. After I had let everything go, I did talk to him again and it was nice to let the animosity and old feelings go, to reunite with an old friend.

So here comes the blast from the past reference. Flash forward to current time -  he's back in the States, for good apparently. Back in his home state...which isn't so far from me and wants to come visit, and does. To give you all who don't know me as well as others an idea of where I'm coming from, when I'm "over it" with a guy in my life (past or present) I can't fake it, it shows all over my face. I can't entertain the idea of romantic elements between us. When it's made up in my mind, when I truly am over it - there's usually no going back. When he announced he was coming to visit I knew instantly that he was using our time together as a testing ground or a platform to see if there was unfinished business between us. His visit was uneventful really. I felt him wanting something to be there, but for me it was just as over as it had been three years ago. We got into a ridiculously ironic conversation from my point of view...in which he basically spilled that I'd been the most substantial and important relationship he'd ever had. Funny....how hell would've had to freeze over for him to call it a "relationship" back then.

It's crazy to me how roles reverse. Because guess what- we're just friends.

As always, stay tuned.
xoxo - M